On The Edge
Lately, I’ve been thinking about my spiritual journey. See, I’m one of the masses in this generation who have kind of “woken up” to the fact that organized religion, in many ways, has done God a great disservice. Still, because of my relational connections and the needs of my family, I cannot totally walk out of “church” (a.k.a. organized religion) and never look back.
So I live in flux. I stand on the edge of westernized religion, and “see” how it has often been perverted and used for personal gain. Like so many other movements, something that I believe started out pure quickly became a tool for control and influence. A friend of mine recently commented to me that “they took Jesus, raped him, and then used his broken body to their own ends.” Strong language, but pretty accurate.
I know that faith is faith — something we believe and cannot really prove. So, at its essence, it is personal and intimate. In my opinion, faith is meant to be lived and shared only with those with whom you already have relationship. I once thought those “afraid” to talk about their faith were denying God. I no longer feel this way. I think they are understanding of others and attempt to keep their faith pure.
I do struggle with my friends who are afraid to question anything. When questions concerning the “foundations” of the faith come up, many run the other way intellectually or emotionally. Or, they resort to the, “it’s been good enough for generations, it’s good enough for me.” This is a similar argument many used for slavery, subjection of women, and the horrors of child abuse. Another escape is the ol’ “don’t ask; don’t tell” policy. Present yourself the more righteous — based on those around you — and if you have “things” (issues; habits, whatever), just keep them quiet. Being an honest person by nature, I struggle with that, too. (Duh!).
So today, after another morning drenched in “the structure,” I walked away full of questions and frustrations. My intellect never broached, my emotions dulled, I felt critical and yet I wasn’t critisizing. I was simply asking questions. I really just wondered what the hell it was all about.
I got on my motorcycle, and rode, talking to God the entire time. Unlike a lot of my friends, I have no problem finding God in lots of other places. “Everything is spiritual” has become kind of a catch phrase for me. I wonder how long I could stay in the place I am — an outsider on the inside — knowing how to “play the game” but feeling like a religious “whore” when I don’t speak what I know.
On the edge. Guess I should make myself comfortable, because I think I’m going to be here a while.